SEEEEXXX PLEASE
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
