you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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