I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
