Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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