I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
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