I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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