My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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