Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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