i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
