So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
