Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
