it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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