So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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