FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
