Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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