My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
