I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
