His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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