Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
