My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
