I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
