Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
