and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
