There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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