I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
