If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
