I'm jealous of your bromance
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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