Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
