You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
