I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
