I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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