I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
