I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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