I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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