It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
