Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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