Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
