Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
