After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
