Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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