She is in my trunk
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it's like iHOP with fire
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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