We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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