I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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