Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
