i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
send nudes
from the living room?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
