So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my sisters under your porch take her home
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
