is your mom at the bar?
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
