People in love make me want to vomit
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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