got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
