does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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